Some Things I’ve Learned

I wanted to document some things that I’ve learned about farming for you:

1. “Pot” – used when referring to a semi-load of cattle

2. Snakes hide under rocks. (Remember all the rock-picking I liked to do? Yeah, doesn’t    happen as much now.)

3. Heifer – a cow that has never had a calf. (I now can’t believe it took me so long to get that. A cow is a cow…is a cow. I called them all cows. Including bulls. The farmer was so nice to me.)

4. I do NOT like the process of de-horning.

5. Cows get pleasure out of going the exact opposite way you want them to and this makes my husband very angry (childish-temper-tantrum-throwing-buckets-angry. I personally like to narrate it all like I’m one of the golf tournament commentators. It makes it HILARIOUS. My step-mom and I cry. I love you, Farmer! You’re so fun!)

6. Holler – a word I will never use when referring to a valley. (I also said that I would never wear a pair of cowboy boots, but I will NEVER say “holler.”)

7. Driving down back roads with the farmer sippin’ on a can of Red Bull is one of my favorite things in the whole world.

8. Actually pronouncing letters and words the correct way will get you some weird looks sometimes. Case in point: WW Highway. I say “Double-yoo Double-yoo,” but even the gramatically-correct farmer says “Dubya Dubya.” I have to admit, my way does sound weird, doesn’t it? But I just can’t bring myself to say “Dubya Dubya.” I’d have to go crawl under a rock somewhere. And remember??? THERE ARE SNAKES!!

9. Wearing flip-flops when doing farm work is idiotic.

10. There is nothing like watching the moon rise over the beautiful Ozark Mountains that surround us.

11. Springer – a cow/heifer in her 3rd trimester. (It does not mean that the calf is due in the spring, like any normal person (me)  would assume. I tell ya, it’s confusing…)

12. There is something to be said about a man who can do just about anything that has to do with survival. It’s primitive and virile and it makes me melt. Not to mention how he enthusiastically takes Peanut everywhere with him, already showing her the ropes. Maybe someday she’ll want to take it over.

13. Driving the tractor is hard. (I just can’t do it.)

14. My personal experience with most country folk is that they’re a little hard to get-to-know at first, but once you do, you can’t find nicer people who will drop everything to come help you out.

15. There is always work to do. It never ends, no matter how much you get accomplished.

16. “Clean-up” bull – he breeds the cows that artificial insemination doesn’t seem to be working on.

17. Working on the farm (for me anyway) requires a lot of Red Bull. (What am I saying? I require Red Bull to breathe.)

18. I have a passionate hatred for flies that I can’t even put into words.

19. “Settled” – a cow/heifer that has been successfully impregnated. (Example: That black cow finally settled.)

20. Dirt roads + black car = not a good decision

21. There is no amount of Tide or Downy that will get the dairy barn stench out of the farmer’s work clothes. They REEK!!

Those are a few things I’ve learned. I’m sure I’ll have more for you because this is a continuous, never-ending learning experience for me. I’d like to thank the farmer for patiently answering the myriad of random questions I throw at him and for being kind on the days when it seems all I can say is: “EEEEEEWWWW!” or “Oh sick!!”or “Aww maaaaann!”

Much love,

The Dairymaid

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